When parents make problems worse

2 Samuel 13:6-7

Last week I shifted the focus of my reflections to David’s family, looking at the destruction of the sibling relationship when David’s son, Amnon, raped his half-sister Tamar. But King David also played a role in this tragedy:

So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. And when the king came to see him, Amnon said to the king, “Please let my sister Tamar come and make a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat from her hand.” Then David sent home to Tamar, saying, “Go to your brother Amnon’s house and prepare food for him.” (2 Sam. 13:6-7)

King David was tricked. He unwittingly sends his daughter into harm’s way by asking her to prepare food for her half-brother. Amnon then rapes Tamar when she delivers the meal. We don’t know whether Tamar would have avoided the situation without David’s direction, but the king’s actions undoubtedly facilitated his son’s intentions. We can imagine David's horrified reaction when he learned what Amnon did.

Parents often wonder how much they have contributed to the dysfunctional relationships among their kids. Does the emotional or financial support of a child embolden poor behavioral choices with their siblings? Does withholding support help? Has a parent’s avoidance of conflict encouraged a dysfunctional pattern of interaction? Does confrontation work any better? If parents talk about their concerns, do they wind up creating the very situation they hoped to avoid? Does not discussing the situation help solve it? We think we know our kids, that their time under our roof instilled similar values. But it doesn’t always work that way, and parents often wonder how they have contributed to the problems, or what they might have done differently to avert them.

Have you ever felt your parents’ actions, or their inaction, created problems for you or your family? How has that experience influenced your own behavior and the relationship you have with your children?